Advice for Those Who Aren’t Step-Parents

Step-parenting is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and sadly society doesn’t make it any easier.  For as long as divorce and remarriage has been a “common” thing, one would think that there would be more acceptance of step-parents and less cliches!  However, the longer I am one…the less I realize this is true!  That being said, my life is so much richer and full because of having my step-sons in my life and I can’t imagine my life without them in it.  So, I decided to compile some advice for people who aren’t step-parents!

• Please don’t point out that we are not their biological parents!  Trust me, we are well aware of the fact that we are not the biological parents of our step-kids.  We know they have biological parents.  We know we aren’t one of them.  Would you point out to a foster parent or adoptive parent that they aren’t the biological parent?  We really don’t need other people reminding us of something that we are well aware of!

  

• Don’t doubt our love for our step-kids!  I’ve actually had conversations with people when I’ve said something to the effect, “I love them more than anything, I would do anything for them, I can’t believe I love them as much as I do!” and I’ve been met with thoughts like, “Well, as much as possible for kids that aren’t yours” (see #1) and “there is no way to truly love them like your own children” (see #1 again),etc.  Really people?!  Why are we doubting each other’s love for family members?  You’ve never been in this situation, so please don’t question how we feel.
• Ask about our step-kids!  I want you to care about my stepkids as I do for your kids.  They are everything to me and I want to tell you about them, I want you to see how proud of them I am and I want you to be excited about what they have going on in their lives just much as I am about yours!
•  Please don’t make any assumptions about me and our situation.  Every situation is so different.  Each marriage, divorce, remarriage, and blended family is so different.  There are so many different dynamics that it is impossible for anyone to understand the situation, so please don’t make any assumptions and don’t believe what you hear on the street.  No one knows the truth, but myself, my husband, and my stepkids.

  

• Don’t judge us.  This could go for all situations in life, couldn’t it?!  But, in this specific situation, please don’t judge me and my role as a step-parent.  Please don’t tell me (or anyone else) that I’m not involved in their lives enough or that I’m too involved or I didn’t do the perfect thing in each situation.  This goes back to #4.  But please…don’t judge us, instead support and encourage us just as we do you!  Parenting (on any level) is hard enough at it is without feeling like people are against you!

I know that sometimes being around people who are step-parents can be difficult.  You’re not sure how to handle the situation because it’s not like yours and I respect that.  There are situations in life that I don’t know how to handle and I hope that we can all work together to accept and support each other in every situation!