Stepmom, yes. Victim, no!

I love the support that the stepmom community within social media provides, but I also get very frustrated with the mentality that stepmoms or step-dads are victims.  Unfortunately there seems to be a group of step-moms specifically on Twitter (or at least that’s where I have found them) that have decided that step-moms are treated unfairly and that we are the victim in the situation.  I’m a step-mom and I’m telling you we are not victims.

Choosing to date and marry someone with children from a previous relationship or marriage is a very conscious decision.  It affects the dynamics of your relationship on so many levels.  There isn’t a honeymoon period where it’s just you and your spouse and there’s actually 3 or 4 people in your relationship (directly or indirectly): you, your spouse, the other parent and possibly another step-parent).  You have to be very aware of the situation that you are in and how every decision you make affects not only your household, but quite possibly the other household!

Being a step-parent is such a balancing act on so many accounts.  We are judged for everything we do:  we’re either over-involved or not involved enough in our step-kids’ lives; we’re either an asset to our families or we’re taking away from the original nucleus of “family”; we either need to care more or we need to keep our nose of out of things.  It doesn’t matter what we do as step-parents, we’re judged.  But, once again, we’re not victims.

My parents divorced when I was 16 and the #1 lesson that my parents taught me was “the kids did not ask to be put into this situation.” and they couldn’t be more right.  It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about myself, my step-sons, or any other person who has experienced divorce, the reality is that no kid ever wants to grow up in a divorced home.  That being said, kids are very resilient and with some counseling, helping, and encouraging from parents and other adults in their lives, they can learn to adapt and appreciate their new situation.  This is especially true of myself.  Having spent all of my childhood and a majority of my adolescent years with my parents married, it was a very difficult transition for me.  Being a teenager is tough enough without figuring out how to deal with the emotions of parents divorcing, but between my therapist and parents who worked hard to get along with each other and truly co-parent, I learned to adapt to my new life and eventually became to appreciate it and appreciate it even more today!  I have FOUR fantastic parents and thankfully, they all have learned to accept that I look to them all as parents and love them all.  There was and always has been room in my heart for more than 2 parents.

As a step-parent, it’s easy to get caught up (and trust me, I have and still do struggle with this) in the judgement that is placed on us, the reality that we aren’t 1st or 2nd in the kids’ lives (even if they are in ours), that even though we wash dirty underwear, pack school lunches, and help do homework we aren’t always considered a “parent”.  However, this is the time to remember that it isn’t about us, the step-parent (or even the biological parent at this point), it’s about the kids.  Are they happy?  Do they feel loved and cared for?  Are they well-adjusted?  If the answer is “yes” then that’s all that matters.  If we as step-parents can stop acting like the victim and focus our attention and efforts on the kids and co-parenting with the other parents in the situation, success will happen!  Kids will be happy and that’s all that matters!