Dealing With It…Random Thoughts

On a day such as this a lot of thoughts go through my head and while the following post doesn’t have a strong theme or story, it is what is in my head and my heart today. 

9AM – I’m supposed to be working today.  I mean I’m at work and trying to be productive, but I’m not being very successful at it. My heart hurts, my heal is full of thoughts and feels like it’s full of cotton balls. My eyes actually hurt just looking at the computer screen. Yesterday, the #NorthIowaBloggers and many others lost a good friend. Amy of Modern Rural Living epitomized positivity, happiness, and living life to the fullest.  Amy’s life was cut short as the result of a tragic car accident yesterday.  I don’t even know where to go with this post after writing that.  My fingers seem frozen over the keyboard.  As hard as I try to focus, it isn’t happening or at least not coming easy.  As I told fellow #NorthIowaBlogger, Beth Ann, this morning…being an adult sucks sometimes.  Dealing with adult issues and then having to do the “adult thing”, which for me is coming to work this morning when all I really want to do is curl up in my jammies and be sad and cry and sleep.

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1PM – As I’m working throughout the day, the work has become easier.  I’ve set my phone aside and taken a break from social media and that has helped.  While it is social media that brought Amy into my life (and the rest of my amazing blogger friends), it also causes me to immerse myself in the tragedy that is her death.  I know it’s ok to be sad.  Yesterday I held it together until about 8PM.  (I think I was mostly in shock and felt empty and even unable to cry at the disbelief.)  Then, my mom texted me…she’s my kryptonite and I lost it.  I laid on our bed and sobbed.  I sobbed sad tears, I sobbed angry tears.  I felt so much anger in my heart…as I told my mom in a text, “this is so hard…I’ve had to do this too many times”.  I’m angry that such a young vibrant young lady was taken so soon in life.  Angry that she was taken from her loving and fiancé.  Angry that I was burying someone else special to me.  I’ve seemed to bury a lot of family members and friends in my 33 years of life.  Everyone does…I’ve learned that, but it doesn’t get easier the older you get.  In fact…I think it gets harder.  You learn more the value of life and friends the older you get.  You learn how short life can be and become more grateful for the loved ones in your life.  Letting go of those loved ones becomes even harder.

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4PM – As I sit here, I think about several things.  I can’t even begin to imagine what Amy’s parents and her fiancé are going through.  The sun is shinning so bright today and reflecting off the snow…it makes it seem even brighter than normal.  And yet, I know to them that today is a very dark day.  I think about the conflict in my head and heart.  I’m so sad and yet so tired that I have waves of feeling empty inside and then I get busy working or talk to T and start to feel “normal” again.  I’m torn between wanting to feel normal again because that means that I can ignore this horrible event.  And then I feel guilty…her closest family and friends can’t ifnore it.  They are having to face the void of Amy in their life head on.  I want to take that pain away from them.  I want it go away from own self.  And yet, I think Amy would be ok with me starting to deal with it and resume my normal life.  She would want me (or at least I think) to take what I learned from her and apply it to my own life.  She would want me to smile…even when it hurts and it’s hard.  She would want me to be grateful for the people I have in my life and not take them for granted or put them on the back burner.  She would want me to continue blogging, being active in social media, and living my life.  Yes, I know it’s barely been 24 hours, but is there a timeline we must follow?

Sometime in the next days, weeks, or maybe months…I’m not sure when…a follow-up post will be about Amy and what I learned from her.  I’m not ready to write that post yet…I’m just ready to figure out how to deal with this and I cling to the hope we have from the Lord above!