Anorexia & How It Rules My Life, Part 3

If you follow my blog, you know that I had written 2 different posts about how Anorexia and my struggle with it. You also know that those entries were back in February! (You can find Part 1 & Part 2) That is due to the fact that Part 3 is the hardest to write (I’ve actually been “at this” for a month now, trying to write & share it)!  This part is how anorexia still rules my life every day even though I try hard to not let it!!  I know what a lot of people say, “if you know it’s in your head and wrong, then just don’t listen to it!”  Have you ever said that to an alcoholic or a cocaine addict?  It’s the same concept.  I know I shouldn’t let it rule my daily life, I know that I shouldn’t obsess over what I look like, how much I weigh, what size clothes I wear, but the reality is…I do.

I think about everything I eat.  Sometimes I won’t eat something because the fear of becoming fat or overweight is too strong, I literally can feel a panic attack coming on at the thought of gaining 1 or 2 pounds or losing muscle mass and becoming flubby!  Sometimes I eat the food and then contemplate how much I’m going to have to work-out to burn what I just ate.  Sometimes (if I know I’m going to eat a lot at a certain meal) I really pace myself through others, eating less.  Sometimes…and yes, this does happen sometimes…I just eat it.  I eat what I want when I want and sometimes I feel horrible about it and beat myself up internally and sometimes I don’t care and just continue on with life.  To be honest, that is the roller coaster of living with anorexia.

Living with anorexia plays out differently each day and in different ways.  Some days it’s the obsession over the foods I eat.  Some days it’s over the size and fit of the clothes I wear.  Some days its over how I feel inside and has nothing to do with my actual size.  As I get older, it sometimes gets harder because our bodies change, things don’t tone like they used to, and clothes don’t fit quite like they used to.  Anorexia has become more of an internal battle than one with food now.  I want to be healthy, but the fear of ever being bigger than I am right now can literally be crippling at times.  And..no one gets it.  I’m not even going to say that another anorexic gets it because just like every other addiction or illness, each situation is different.

I have an amazing support system.  My parents, my husband, my friends…they all love me for me, regardless of what size I am or what number is on the tag in my pants!  I’m so blessed.  But, that fear can overpower all that some days.  People will say to me, “You have amazing willpower”, but the truth is they don’t know the demons I’m battling inside.  Last night at the fair, I wanted a corn dog & funnel cake so bad, but I will admit that the thought of consuming all that fat and calories almost made me physically sick and I psyched myself out of even “wanting” it, so I didn’t eat it and then later was so disappointed in myself that I didn’t let myself splurge…the demons had won!  That’s the rollercoaster!

To be honest, I could go on and on about how this affects me every day.  But, the reality is, it does.  This is my life.  I may look healthy from the outside (and for the most part I am), but it is a mental and emotional struggle every day.  Sharing this is even harder because until now, I could tell people “I used to be anorexic” and that is what I’d like to believe, but the reality is…I will always be and struggle with anorexia.  Years later, I’m quite aware of that now.  Some days it won’t be such a battle and other days it will be greater!  I will always strive to not let the demons inside my head win, but the truth is, some days they will!  So, I will continue to put one foot forward each day and try to be a better me for my husband and step-sons.  I will work to have faith in myself and confidence in who I am.  It’s a process…it has been now for over a decade and I feel that it probably always will be, but…I guess that’s all part of Learning As I Go.