Things You Need to Know About Step-Parents!

I LOVE being a step-mom! I love my step-sons…or my boys as I affectionately call them! We all know they aren’t biologically my boys, but I love them as if they are!  Earlier this summer I came across THIS article about being a step-parent and felt as though I could have written it myself!

I feel the need to preface or follow up what I refer to my step-sons as with a disclaimer because someone might get the wrong idea or think I’m trying to steal the thunder from their mom and honestly, it’s exhausting because that isn’t what I’m trying to do! While being a step-mom is one of the greatest “jobs” I’ve ever had, it’s also one of the hardest, but I would never change it for the world. So, if you’ll stick with me and be willing to learn a bit about what it’s like to be a step-parent…

1.  Yes, we do refer to them as our kids/children/boys!  When you are a step-parent, you love those kids as though they were your own blood.  You put them first in your life!  You spend your money on new clothes for them and buy used clothes at consignment stores or off swap sites so they don’t have to wear high-water jeans to school.  You spend almost any “extra” money on groceries because they are eating you out of house and home.  You write checks for soccer registration, a new baseball glove, horse-riding lessons, etc.  You wake them up, make sure they brush their teeth, cook them meals, fold their clean underware (ok, maybe I don’t actually fold it…).  So, yes…we are going to refer to them as our boys or kids too.  Nope, we’re not “claiming” them or taking anything away from their biological moms. Please don’t read that into our statements.  We respect their moms and know that they have a place in their kids’ hearts and lives that we never will.  Which takes us to #2…

2.  We will always be #3 (or 4) in the kids’ lives.  This is a hard thing sometimes.  I know that my step-sons like me and I’m pretty positive that they love me, BUT…I know that I will never take the place (nor do I expect to) of their mom and dad.  I think I speak for the majority of step-parents when I say this is one of the hardest things to swallow.  You give everything to your step-kids, you would put yourself in front of a semi for them to be spared, but you know that you are #3 or 4 on their list of parents.  I don’t expect any different (I have step-parents, remember…I know how it feels to be a kid with steps), but it does make being a step-parent a heartache sometimes.  None the less, I will not love the boys any less or make any decisions that I don’t think are in their best interest.  They are #2 & 3 (behind my husband of course) in my life and nothing will ever change that!

3.  We have their best interests at heart.  Being a parent is a very unselfish job!  So, is being a step-parent.  In fact…sometimes it seems as though our role has to be even less selfish than a biological parent because there are times when we have to step-back, step-away, or “let go” of a situation, experience, etc because we aren’t their biological parents.  And, as painful as that can be, we do it because we have their best interests at heart and love them so much.  We want them to be happy, healthy, and thriving children despite all the external forces surrounding kids today!

4.  We aren’t “Just A Step-Parent” – I’m a step-mom.  I’m not “just” a step-mom.  4 years ago I made a promise to my husband and 2 boys to be there for them no matter what, rich/poor, sickness/health.  I vowed to love the boys and be there for them just as much as I vowed to T.  That’s part of being a step-parent.  So, please stop saying things like “you’re just their step-mom”.  It’s disrespectful.  People discount step-parents and disrespect them because they didn’t give birth to them.  But, how is that any different than an adoption situation. Do you think the person at the grocery store would say to an adoptive parent, “You’re just their adoptive parent.”  HIGHLY doubt it!  So, I chose to love a child that I didn’t give birth to and I help provide both materials and emotional support.  I take care of, I help to parent, etc…but, I’m “just” a step-parent?  Nope, sorry…I’m a step-mom to amazing boys and I’m dang proud of it!

5.  Our Hearts are Special – being a step-parent is a conscious decision that comes with pros & cons.  It is a unique situation that is not for the faint of heart.  If you aren’t or have never been a step-parent, please be careful of what you say and the judgments you make.  You don’t know what has been written on our heart.  There is something special (for me) that God has placed on my heart with my two step-sons.  Why?  I honestly don’t know, but I know that he has placed me in this place and with my three guys for a reason.  So, that being said….please be kind.  If you aren’t or have never been a step-parent, please don’t make statements about how we should or shouldn’t be/act, what we should or shouldn’t say, what our place is or isn’t because being brutally honest, you have no idea!  You have no idea of the relationship we have with our step-children and you have no idea what is on our heart!  But, they are special I will tell you that!