“On our second date, both my husband and I said we wanted one of us to be home with our kids”
“It was really quite easy for me..I know I’m an odd mom!! However, I appreciate that space…I appreciate the “freedom” and time away – then I can love up on them even more when I get home!”
Ah, the age-old question of being a full-time SAHM (stay at home mom) or FTWM (full-time working mom). (And before I go any further my acronym for moms who work full-time outside the home is not to imply that SAHM’s don’t work, this is just the easiest way to identify between the two.) It seems like this has been a debate for as long as man-kind has been around, however lately I’ve noticed an increase in judgement of those that stay home and those that work from people in the opposite groups. I decided to do a little unscientific research of my own. I polled my Facebook fans and friends to gather questions for both groups as well as me having a few questions of my own, then I asked a couple friends (both SAHM and FTWM to help me out and answer the questions. My goal is for all of us to better understand each other and ultimately support each other no matter which route we choose for our family! So, here’s what I found out!
Part 1: From the point of view from the SAHM:
How do you have the patience to do it? The general consensus was that they don’t have the patience automatically. It takes prayer, patience, the support of their spouse and reminding themselves that they made this choice and that ultimately it’s best for their family and they are going to screw up, that’s ok!!
How do you make it on once income? “Keeping our priorities straight, living within our means, being honest with money issues, and making long Christmas lists for our parents!” It’s good to know that ALL parents do this regardless of whether one of them is at home or not! HA! “The same way people make it on 2 incomes! Money is money…the more you have, the more you spend. We can’t keep up with the Jones’ and are ok with that! We don’t have new cars, it took us 3 years in our current home to get living room furniture!” I give this woman kudos because I’m too dang neurotic to not have living room furniture! I think there is a stigma among FTWM’s that if one parent stays at home then they are financially “doing ok” and these two women have proven that isn’t necessarily the case. Well, it might be, but it’s because of their choices and priorities!
What things did you discuss/weigh out when determining if you could make “SAHM” work for your family? Both moms shared that they had always known that they would stay home with their kids. It wasn’t a matter of deciding if it would work, it was more the confirmation and determination to make it work. I commend that kind of conviction!
Staying at home is a big job in itself, but everyone needs rest/recoup time too. How do you make time for yourself? “Bedtime is 8:00 at the latest for the boys, so we get a long evening. Date nights don’t happen as often as they should, but girls’ nights with my bestie happen about once a month!” “Having a super supportive husband who walks in the door from work and says GO! Also, we have family who take our kiddos a lot!”
What compromises had to be made in your family now that one of you stayed home? Having a budget and sticking to it seems to be the theme with families who have a SAHM in them!
Do you miss adult conversation and “me time”? YES was the resounding answer!! For the SAHM from a smaller community, her frustration came because there are very few other SAHM’s and no outlets for those women. And, I think it’s safe to say that all moms, step-moms, wives, etc. miss “me time”!! I know if it weren’t for my early morning runs, I wouldn’t have any because I DO NOT count work as “me time”! HA!
What does a “typical” day look like for you?
#1 – Before being in small business, it was pretty idyllic. All of us around the table for breakfast, playtime at home or out to the Children’s Museum, play-dates, etc. Back in time for lunch and naps. Afternoon at home, cook dinner, eat as a family, bath, and bed. Now it’s quite different with school taking over and the need to work my small businesses throughout the day. We’re still all at home for breakfast and supper and nap-time is guaranteed too!
#2 – Wake up, pack lunches while my husband makes a hot breakfast. Wake up the boys, sit down as a family for breakfast. Try to nicely encourage the kids to get showered, get dressed, brush teeth, and get them out the door, but I usually end up yelling at someone. Drop them off at school. Come home clean, do wash, think about what I’m going to make for supper. Check e-mail and Facebook (because that’s my only communication with the outside world) and I usually waste a lot of time doing this! Hopefully workout/go for a walk. Some days volunteer at school. Run errands. Some days make my husband lunch. Fold, iron, more cleaning. Pick boys up from school. Get them home for a snack, homework, and argue with them to get their chores done (this is actually my favorite part of the day because they tell me all about their days!) Run two of them to soccer, coach one of the teams, pick up one from cross country, drop him off at soccer practice that he’s already missed half of. Run the other one home to change for football, drop him off at football, pick other two up at soccer. Come home make or finish making supper. Eat supper, clean the kitchen, try to spend some time with one or all of the boys. Pick up one from football, get him home and feed him. Bedtime starts at 7:45. Read to the youngest and put him to sleep. Hang out with the other two boys and then put them to bed which usually involves laying with one of them for awhile and chatting. Head to bed!
How old are your kids and have you always been a SAHM?
SAHM #1 – 7,5, and 2 and I started as a SAHM, now have transitioned into a work at home with kids still at home mom!
SAHM #2 – 13, 11, and 9 and Yes!
The greatest thing I learned from these two SAHM’s is that their decision was made for them and their family! Never once did I feel any judgement towards FTWM’s in their answers. The other thing I learned is that it doesn’t matter which route you and your spouse chose, there are always struggles. Struggles for patience, struggles to make time for everything, and struggles to not doubt ourselves as parents! Being a SAHM is not easy! It’s a lot of compromise, patience, and dedication to your family and home. These women need our love and support on all levels! Parenting is not for the weak of heart!
Are you a SAHM? What would you add to the conversation?
Stay tuned for the interviews from FTWM’s!
Such a great series, Katy! I was blessed to be a SAHM until the boys were in high school and it was seriously the best thing I could have done. I loved it but it is not what works for everyone. I never judged either way—-sometimes you just have to realize that whatever works for you is the right answer and not listen to all those other “judgers” out there. Thanks for tackling a pretty tough issue and sharing all sides.
Thanks for sharing! I think the desire to want to eliminate the judging of others is my greatest goal in tackling this! Thanks for stopping by!
Does being SAHM to my puppy count? haha. Actually, I say that, but really I’m working from home on our business–and sometimes I don’t give myself credit for that. I think we all just need to support each other, and everyone should do what is right for them and their families. Thanks for the post katy!
Absolutely! I think that is what frustrates me the most about our society right now! We can’t just all support each other, it’s a constant battle of who is right and who is wrong! Thanks for your input!!