There are articles in magazines and all over the internet for surviving your first trimester of a pregnancy, the first year of your babies life..there are books written about it. But what about those of us who actually didn’t birth the children in our care?? Becoming a stepmom is the most wonderful, difficult, rewarding, and frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced in my life! I can’t imagine my life without my step-sons in it anymore, but wow were those first couple of years tough!! Here are my top 5 tips for step-parents to help you survive the first years as a step-parent!
5. Stop Comparing Your Family to Other Blended Families – it’s easy to compare yourself to Bob & Mary down the street and how their blended family works, but it’s pointless! Every blended family is different and that’s because every person is different, every divorce is different, and every marriage is different. Realize this and be OK with it. Be confident in the blended family you have and focus on it! Don’t compare yours to someone else’s because you will always feel let down!
4.Stop Comparing Yourself to the Biological Parent – It’s so easy to be jealous of the relationship that your step-child has with their biological parent. It’s easy to want the connection your step-child has with their biological parent, but it’s pointless. You will never have that relationship and that connection and it’s OK! You have a special connection and relationship with your step-child that no one else does. You have chosen to accept each other in your lives, that is something special in itself. Instead of wanting what your step-child and their biological parent has, focus on what you and your step-child have and feed and foster that.
3.Forgive Yourself – Yup, you need to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for screwing up, for opening your mouth and having an opinion when you shouldn’t, for not caring when you should, forgive yourself for caring more than people think you should, forgive yourself for yelling when you shouldn’t have, and forgive yourself for having a pity party when you should be focusing on what a wonderful life you have! Being a step-parent is hard and takes a special person, but we are human and we screw up and we need to forgive ourselves instead of beating ourselves up!
2. Admit Your Mistakes, Ask for Forgiveness, and Move On – Looking back at #3, we will screw up as step-parents…we will yell and lose our temper when we shouldn’t, we will step over a boundary when we shouldn’t (and don’t intend to) and we need to be aware of these. Many years ago I lost my temper with M and later I went to him and said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I love you so much, but some times you just frustrate me so much when you don’t listen!” and he said with a sheepish smile, “I know”. It’s still one of my most favorite memories with him because I really do believe that it set the tone for our relationship and showed him that I’m not perfect, but I’m in this for the long haul no matter how he behaves. It’s in the past, we don’t talk about it, in fact…we never talked about it ever again, we just keep on keeping on!
1. Realize How Blessed You Truly Are – There will be days that you want to pull your hair out. There will be days that you wonder why you do what you do. There will be times when you question your role in your step-kids’ lives. But, I’ve had biological parents assure me that they also feel these things. So, that being said…when you’re experiencing those times, I want you to stop and look at your family that is surrounding you, make a list, look at pictures…whatever you need to do to remind yourself that you really are a blessed person because you have a spouse and children in your life who love you in their own special way!
Well said. And all so true.
Thank you!